Best friends forever?

Writing this post took me a long time. I didn't know how to start but I also didn't want to seem like a complete asshole by offending my so-called 'friend'. Before I start, I just want to say that she's not a bad person, she just wasn't the right person for me.

When we first met it seemed like a our friendship was a destiny. We kinda found each other on the Internet and back then we thought it was just the best thing that could happen. It wasn't. After a couple of years we changed, or maybe only I changed... Whatever it was, our meetings and our 'friendship' was not the same anymore. There was something missing... There was no comfort in meeting her, I wasn't enjoying it and I was only doing it because she was my one and only friend and I was scared to be alone. But after another year it became even worse. Meeting her was like meeting someone for the first time and not in a good way. Every time I was stressed and worried that our conversation would be awkward and that we would have nothing to talk about. In the end I think our conversations were based on the same things. At the beginning it was fine, especially with the fact that we had the same idol and I think that was the one and only thing that was keeping us together. But you can't just talk about the same things over and over again. We didn't know each others secrets because there was no trust in our friendship, she couldn't make me feel better, all she could do was tell me that everything's gonna be alright and that wasn't enough for me. 

As a person who struggles with social interactions so badly I need to someone to push me, to encourage me to try new things and with her it was the opposite, maybe because she was nearly as shy as me and we were just stuck.

I don't know why our friendship has ended. At first I thought it was her fault, but when I think about now I think it was all me. Because I set my expectations so high that she couldn't reach them. I was expecting her to the perfect friend. She wasn't, but that doesn't mean she was bad. She just wasn't enough for me. It might sound terrible but this is how I feel and I think if you don't enjoy being with someone and if they don't bring out what's best in you then you shouldn't waste your time on being with them. Like me and my friend, some people are not meant to be together. 
I think that maybe I'm just meant to be alone for the rest of my life... maybe I don't deserve friends if I can't appreciate them... or maybe, there's someone waiting to be my friend? I don't know. All I know is that I just want to live my life and leave all the people who don't make it any better behind. 
And to my "friend" if you're reading this, I wish you all the best. I hope that you'll be happy and that you'll find a better friend. And also... I'm sorry.

That it I think... If you have any questions or you've been in a similar situation, feel free to leave a comment below!

Much love
Joanna xo